Questions, questions...

Anonymous asked: hey sorry if I'm disturbing you, but I have a question about faith. I want to believe so bad. I've always believed in something, I just don't know what. My life's been pretty rough so far and if god were real, why would ze let all this shit happen? I'm really interested in islam and I have been for a long time, but I'm a mentally ill smoker coming from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts. I'm really freaking myself out here, but I don't really belong anywhere. sorry to bother you :(
Hi friend! You aren’t disturbing me at all (:

Many people want to believe but they want to know why God would let all these bad things exist. Why would he let world hunger be a problem? Why would he let good people die, or catch diseases, or be victims of unnecessary wars? And it’s very human to ask that, isn’t it? We should ask it. If God is the most just, and the most merciful, why would he let all these horrible things happen?

And I can guarantee you, everyone, believer or non-believer, had these questions. I still have them sometimes. Because, on the surface, it really doesn’t seem fair. Why did kids die in Pakistan? How come I was born into this relatively privileged life and they weren’t? How is that any fair?

The answer is simple but expansive so I hope I don’t lose you. OK, so let’s divide the bad in the world into two categories. One type of bad we can help, and one type of bad we can’t. So Holocaust would be a bad we can help, and mental illness, disabilities, being born in a third world country, having a disadvantage because of your race, would be a bad we can’t help. One we, as humans, could prevent, one we can’t.

Now, the first type of bad roots from humans. Wars, exploitation, discrimination, 19 kids dying every day due to preventable diseases or hunger, is our fault. Our greed and our selfishness prevents us from helping each other and stopping these things. Islamically, one of the five pillars of faith, is to give zakat which is basically alms. So almsgiving is a part of the material solution. People are required to give 1/40th of their earnings+assets annually to those in need. Imagine that, now, projected estimates to end world hunger are around $30 billion dollars. You know how much alms could the US give depending on our GDP, in a year, we can give $420 billion. Yup, that’s right. We could solve world hunger 14 times. And that’s just the US.

But what about immaterial things? Like fraud, racism, hate crimes? That has a simple solution too. Religion is a way of life. It’s not something you confine to a single day in the week, or a single week in the year. It’s a guideline to help you lead a decent life. What does Islam say? Well, it gives you a few ethical decencies to stick to, and the rest is easy. Don’t lie, don’t gossip, don’t assume things about people or judge their actions (because you don’t know their hearts, only God does) & do tell the truth, do be kind, do know that you are also human, and in front of God you are all equal. Did this solve like all of our problems? Yeah, it pretty much did. I mean, c’mon, if we have people understanding that they are all equal in front of God we would dismantle entire institutions. Men, women, whites, blacks, homosexuals, heterosexuals, you are all equal in your humanity. No better, no worse. God is just.

I also mentioned bad we couldn’t help. Things we can’t change.  You being a mentally ill smoker coming from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts isn’t something you signed up for. And yes, it sounds awful and really, just unfair. Why did you get these problems, when your next door neighbor is leading the apple pie life? Well, two things.

1. Don’t think that these mere 70 something years you are promised make the entirety of your existence, because they don’t. That would be highly contradictory if God said he was the most just being, but gave you that many years and a random set of circumstances to live through right? It might be insane to think about, but yes, your life isn’t limited to what you do on Earth. You will die and you will be resurrected and God will show his justice. After all, would it be fair if you and your neighbor died and that was it? She had the perfect life, no worries, no problems, and you suffered. And then bam, you die and that’s it. That’s all you get. That doesn’t fit the definition of justice. Justice is, testing you on this earth with different scenarios and weighing your actions in accordance to your circumstances. You have to struggle, you have problems, life is harder to get through for you, would your God overlook that if he was just? No, but he is just and he won’t. It’s sort of like a weighted grading system. Think of yourself as if you are in AP classes or taking harder courses and your neighbor is taking normal classes. Your work and grades affect your GPAs differently. You go through more, so your B is the same as your neighbor’s A in a normal class. You will be rewarded accordingly. God will say, you suffered through a lot my dear, every day you woke up was like worship, every breath you took was a prayer, deciding to hang on, deciding to go forward earned you this high throne. And to your neighbor he will say, you lived in comfort and wealth, did you help those in need, did you do good deeds with what was available to you, did you show gratitude, did you seek me?

2. Think about if we lived in utopia. Would you really seek God? Imagine he made everything perfect. No wrongdoing humans, no lies, no cheats, no pollution, no mutations, no disabilities, no mistakes, no nothing. Imagine we really lived in utopia. If everything was perfect, why would we look for God? We wouldn’t. Everything is already working like a nice clock, why wonder about who does it? I mean, even with the world we live in now, there are so many perfect things that we overlook.

Our location in space is just the right place for us to be. Jupiter’s mass, our moon’s tilt, our location in relation to the sun etc. The scientific argument says we evolved here because our planet is the only planet to support life, but that is true only from a human perspective. Humans cannot live without water, oxygen and vitamin D. Science says we evolved from a single-cell organism into photosynthesizing plants, into vertebrates, into fishes, into amphibians, and finally into mammals. Venus’s atmosphere is mostly carbon dioxide, why didn’t photosynthesizing plants that could endure high temperatures evolve there, and go through a complex evolutionary process to finally arrive at a being equivalent to a human who could maybe photosynthesize, or not be affected by high carbon dioxide levels and temperatures?
  
Coincidences are miracles in disguise. We are presented a vast amount of bounties yet we ignore them because we use them regularly. We can start listing everything that science claims to be the product of complete chance in our body and see how it cannot all be by mere chance. For me, life in itself is a miracle. Modern technology envies our heart, a machine that keeps working for decades. Fancy iPhones and brand new cars only last a few years, and they require constant repair, while your heart creates enough energy to drive a truck for 20 miles in one day, and in your whole life, you could go to the moon and back with that energy. Our brain can hold approximately a million gigabytes of information. That’s the same as leaving the TV open for 300 years and absorbing everything on the screen. Our stomach acids are strong enough to dissolve metal. Our noses can differentiate between 50,000 different scents. Our eyelashes curl outward instead of inward and don’t stab us in our eyes.

We have everything we have now, and we can still say it has all happened by itself. How did the world originate in the first place? The Big Bang Theory states that it all begun with an infinitesimally small and hot singularity. The singularity exploded and now it is still expanding. Where it came from and why it came, science cannot answer, and when science cannot answer a question, we do not delve into that topic too deeply. Mathematically, everything happening by coincidence is impossible. Although, computer scientists code programs to test probabilities, life isn’t a computer simulation.

If we lived in utopia, nothing to make us question God’s existence at all, would we seek him? It’s hypocritical to talk about fairness when we associate all bad things with God but we don’t go to him for the good. World hunger – Hey, where is God? Sacred geometry – wow, look at these awesome coincidences!

So yes, we have suffering, and we have struggle. But we need to have those. Just like you need darkness to understand the importance of light. It makes us ask questions. It makes us think. It leads to, “I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.”

And it leads to lots of pondering and smiling because did you know God tests those he loves even more. It’s similar to the teacher who pushes your limits and you hate him for a while but in the end, you get the highest grade in the exam. It leads to, God will never put you through anything you can’t handle. After all, he knows you better than you know yourself. He created you. He knows how strong you are. How perseverant you are. He knows what you can handle, and he will never give you anything that is not solvable or curable. He is the most just, and he is the most merciful. He is the most loving, and he is the all knowing. He knows you. He knows your heart. He loves you. He loves you and he loves me and he loves all of us, together and individually. And he knows you now. He knows what you are going through, he hears your pleas, he hears your wants. You don’t even have to pray directly to him, and he knows you are praying if you are trying to recover. He is with you. And isn’t that beautiful?

And whatever happens, your desire to believe in something is amazing, and in the end, if you don’t label it or have a name for it, don’t worry because even a grain of faith can and will save you. God has pushed you to this point, he has given you this desire, he wants you to learn and know and believe. Think of your doubts and your questions as a personal invitation from God. Isn’t that really cool? Think about it. The creator of all that exists, the being that manages everything – everything, the red blood cells in your body and the stars around our galaxy – sent you, one of his most beloved creation, an invitation. It reads, come, ask questions, wonder, think about yourself, think about your place in this realm, think, try to find answers, try to find me. Just come, I will lead you to me. Take one step, and I will run to you. Your heart is open, your mind is accepting, just come.

Think about that (:

dysp·ne·a

noun difficult or labored breathing
i am telling this girl about my condition. i don't know why i choose her but i guess it's because she insists i call her sister and rubs little circles on my back to soothe me while i try to fall asleep. i don't have a label for it, not really anyway, i hardly think it fits the bill – mine is a different kind anxiety.

one that boils right under the surface, replaces the blood with lava, circulates through 100,000 kilometers within my small body, and leaves me without an embrace when it has the capacity to wrap itself around the earth two times and a half.

the vapor licks the inside of my skin, and the largest organ in my body displays its own beauty with bitten nails, worn down cuticles, and white fading marks where i scratch myself
 
layers upon layers of protection, but what can protect me from the spies and traitors within my own body? 
 
i can see the dead cells fall to the ground, every white mark, blooming at the tip of a blunt nail–
 
i wish it was that easy to get rid of all things dead and unusable, and that no matter how brute we were, they still ended up catching sunlight through angled blinds and dancing with the millions of other dust particles in a room
 
i wish we all had elegant ends and photograph-worthy last minutes, maybe a lingering smile in the face of oblivion or the ecstasy of being surrounded by fellow revolutionaries

no, mine is a different kind of anxiety, it's the depression in the head of a devout believer who is obviously neither devout nor believer enough because why else would i suffer? have i tried reading the holy text? have i tried praying more? have i renewed my intentions?

no, mine is a different kind of anxiety, i can't count all the symptoms but this girl tells me that i have shortness of breath, that my ribcage feeling like it is constricting and poking into my lungs is no poetic heartache or longing – it's shortness of breath, and isn't that one son of a bitch

because mine is a different kind of anxiety, all my breaths are small gulps, and no matter how much i force them i can never fill my lungs enough to satisfy the need to breathe, but there are spurts of relaxed sighs

every
once
in
a
while

and sometimes i gasp, and gasp, and gasp and use all my energy to fill millions of capillaries with oxygen

to ensure that at least some clean air passes on to my blood –

but the blood has been replaced by the fire of a sickening feeling, and it strengthens with the oxygen i sent fanning the flames beneath my skin

because mine is a different kind of anxiety, one that is so dense and massive, it collapses in on itself and creates a black hole right where my heart is, between the lungs, and at the center of my circulatory system

one that gravitates everything surrounding it towards itself and swallows emotions whole,
one that is deafening, and shattering, and can't hold any meaning because shortness of breath is one son of a bitch, and what could i ever do?

00110010 00110010 00110001 00110000

Dear 12-year-old self,

You are the 500 pages of abridged classics in seven days. You are the $50 for each 100 pages in a race with your dad. You are the 176 books on your bookshelf, and the 12 more you buy with your own $50 at the book fair. You are the 95 points at a math exam, the 100 at an oral quiz. You are the five pieces of required artwork, and the three favorite pens. 

The number of people in your class (40) minus one (39). You are smarter than that many people. You are the four friends you found a group name for. You are the one friend that knew you since you were six. You are the only child, the first granddaughter. 

You are the 15th of every month. You are the one new pajama set and two pairs of shoes bought every 15th of every month. You are 34 plush toys, five photo albums, and one Yamaha recorder. 

You are the three plus two prescribed movements reiterated through every evening prayer. You are 801, the school ID you chose for yourself in first grade and surprised the principal with when you read it with ease. You are a composite of numbers. You are your pride in numbers. You are your enthusiasm for numbers.

And suddenly, it's seventh grade. You are 12.  You go to the bathroom during break time. It's a small school, there are maybe 15 girls in total. They are all in the bathroom, gathered around the only blonde, whispering conspiratorially.

"What's happening?" you ask.  
They look at you. The blonde one smiles. "I was talking to so and so last night and asked him to rank the girls in our school." 
"And?"
"Well, here, come look."
Number one is your English teacher, which makes you feel uneasy. She is engaged you think, she should not have been considered or put on this "ranking."
Number two is the blonde. You realize that you trust her word. (Now you are wondering why you did.)
Number three comes as a surprise. Your favorite number punches you in the gut and says you are it.
Number three.


And suddenly all the numbers that used to make up your being dissolve, and you're left bare with this three.

This three that taunts you. It's seventh grade. You do not yet know how the female body works. But you know that you were ranked number three by a boy possibly younger than you. And that makes everything worse.


You are not you. You have never been you. You are 2210 on the SAT, and fives on all your APs. You are 1,458 followers, and 26 poems. You are a composite of numbers. Nothing else.